With Me, It’s Something Altogether Different

It feels a certain way. I react a certain way, and subsequently live in my head a certain way. I Cannot Decide.

There is so much of me that is reflection. Reflection and criticism or reflection and a sober accounting. There is love. There is solid-yet-quiet, passionate ocean-dividing feeling. There is driving home, through The Park after midnight on the eve of the beginning of the week, and there is choosing which one and to whom. And she’s right; at the beginning there is the “Lauren Show” then soon thereafter there is internalization and bewilderment, wonder, doubt, silence. The Leaving.

I am so often taken the wrong way. You weren’t supposed to personalize that post, Darling. Uncomfortable, strange interactions do happen – often – in my life and to whom do I owe that blame? Certainly not to you.

There are reflections of gorgeous sounds. Of only two people in the world hearing them. Of only you understanding them. There are the years, and impressionable youth and the silence and the speaking with eyes and no sounds. There is the infinite understanding; the reasonable conversations and the mechanism by which this is maintained.

There is The Fear.
There is The Worry.
There is The Doubt and The Self Loathing
and there is the hope.

I miss you. I wonder, if in my head what I consider to be as a present reality while I am reflecting…I wonder if that reflection is real at all – in any way – if it’s not some mirage or some self-delusion of the way that I imagined you and it and us and it to be. I wonder if the fear of self-delusion will ever be less than my love.

Regardless of how poorly they perform in person, “And Then Something Turned Itself Inside Out” is still, to this day, one of the most personal things I have ever heard.

Wow, My Links Are Dead

Time for some site maintenence. Need to just realize and accept when something is dead I think. Because this, here, is pretty dead.

My own blog doesn’t even show up in my drop-down menu for chrissake – how funny is that? Blogger doesn’t either. Tres Amusing….

So I’m trying to come up with a nickname for him. It’s tough; haven’t found one that fits yet, that gets the idea of my meaning. And it’s extra tough b/c he’s got a fabulous one for me, so it’s like I’m bested. And damn being bested.

Is it raining all over the world the way it’s been raining nonstop here? I know the answer, I know that it is not, but something I just let myself think that it is…

Please don’t give up,
E

A Reckoning of Sorts
Or maybe….

I still like the blog. I still want to write and divulge and create, and be a part of others doing same. And read others doing same. But I like it in a different way now; I want and look for other things. It’s not that it’s completely past me. It’s something else.
Energy For Life.

So what’s up with the whole new tools design. Geez. Feels like I’ve been gone forever. Really want wordpress now.

I heard “Mr. Jones” on the radio just now and didn’t change it surprizingly. It reminded me of an old friend, an interesting and sweet moment.

And I literally just got back from vacation. Went on a cruise to the Caribbean, stopping off at a couple third world countries along the way. It’s gorgeous and slow and easy there, exactly how you would imagine it. I ate, I went diving, I slept, I swam, I did this zip line through the jungle canopy, I layed in the sun. I ate a few pills and rushed through the ship, up the crazy stairs, through the skinny moving passageways, bursting onto the crowd in this absolutely surreal “Midnight Chocolate Lover’s Feast.” I felt so strongly, thought so intensely, chewed my cheeks and bottom lip unknowingly. Got freaked out, grabbed K to rush up more stairs to more places until I exhausted myself on the sidelines of a dance club. Then again outside watching the water with that huge sound and that huge ocean.
My god, I loved watching him when under the influence. I loved it, so much fun; I like this guy so much.

I’m kind of a low key girl now.

I never got away to write really. I never finished the thoughts I was brewing. I never do do that. I need to practice writing though, because I think too fast and my fingers can’t keep up and everything is lost and frustrated.

I just came home for lunch accidentally and found that he’d made my bed. It was really endearing; a very sweet surprise. I really do like him.