thank god for kexp. and thank god for a medium and for jay and for a second where i took the tiniest effort to fulfil the impulse to write something for once in a thousand years. took a breath in. good god, it’s been dry.

we’ve had a sort of standing movie night for a few months now. and it’s been good. fulfilling; it’s got my mind going, it’s got me realizing things outside the view of my small snow-globe scope. at least the seeing that the world was different before my existence part. i know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s a big thing you gradually shake off the older you get; that the entirety of life isn’t what you’re seeing at present; isn’t orbiting around you. seeing something made in 1937, seeing New York for instance, and realizing that that’s what it actually looked like then. they were just filming on the street that day. the set is actually sunset boulevard and people actually dressed like that, somewhat at least, and they drove huge cars and led strange lives for instance.

i am suffering, extremely, from a bubbling tummy-ful of eating but not digesting, of saving for the winter. information organization problems. i need aggregates in every aspect of my life; the waterfalls of minutae. actually, that’s the symptom; it’s not the problem. i don’t get to a thing. i don’t get to a goddamn thing actually. i file it. and i make bookmarks and lists and music folders and piles of magazines and then they’re decorating an entire shelf next to something i bought and didn’t even fully enjoy. like it’s a collection. a library. then i group them. group them for intention, under categories of intention like “words” and “projects,” “travel” and “gifts.” even gifts of pretty grosgrain ribbon-wrapped mail-order chocolate. it’s amazing. like, i intend to send this to you sometime, i think it’s a fantastic idea and you’ll love it and i’ll love having surprised you with it. so i file it and intend and think i’ll even remember it when your birthday comes around. i miss that, so then i think christmas and then i wonder if i’ll ever actually do it. the list of intention is squelching me so brutally right now. choking me, my voice is hoarse. char noticed on monday.

i have so goddamn much to do.
wow i do.

so much i’d like to do. and if i’m not doing them – if i’m just continually intending them – then they’re not actually in my life. they’re fantasies. my god; fantasies. they’re in my HEAD and not in my real. wow. how much longer will i continue doing nothing. how long will i be able to stand it. stand what’s left over, the fermenting and moss-growing thoughts. sitting there. stewing. sickening in my tummy.

maybe i can crosstrain-machine it out.