I’ve been chagrining myself; racking my brain trying to figure out how to do this better and why, in nearly everything, I’m so reluctant. How to see and experience more of the things I want to see and experience more in this town. And in this area of California. And in California itself. In the world, for chrissake. I was doing so well there for awhile; I was really high on exploring and getting out. Now I’ve seen far too much of the same thing. And the same scene, far too often.

I made a close friend and then pushed him away, twice. Very painful, every time. I regret it I regret it I regret it i regret it. I write letters to him in my head all the time. I write letters to everyone [in my head].

I thought I had moved too fast. I had just gotten here; I thought I shouldn’t be doing this yet. What the fkk am I saving myself for?

It’s gorgeous here; its nearly redundantly gorgeous if not for the daily nuances in the weather. The wind outside my window behind me tonight is so strong, it sounds like waves on the ocean.

And to be honest, there are easy-to-experience ocean waves here, all over this town. So much cognitive dissonance. So much time alone and anonymous. So many things I want to change. So many things I have to change.

I should be sharing San Francisco with you at least. I should be putting pictures up and funny videos from the crazy things I witness here everyday. Even the flowers are crazy; half seem alien, paleolithic, Dr. Seussian, imagined. This town though, every morning when I leave my room to walk to work, the view and the crispness and the stark fkking difference from Texas is automatically refreshing. Without even trying its refreshing. It’s true; that’s at least what I wanted.

Of this project, this design work & research and this blog.

Shall I go tonight to this?  All by myself with all the Apple WWDC peeps?    ??  !!!  ???   !!!!

A funny thing about this blog is that I continue to have many changing views of it. It has a purpose, but I rarely remember it. Mainly it filled some temporary need and was used fair weather-friendedly, which is to say, completely incorrectly: underappreciated, underutilized, underrepresented. That was never its intended purpose, and treating it this way left me with an always-nagging desire to attempt to explain things more – because I rarely offered a full picture.

That was never my little inspired vision for this. Like I’ve often said, I forget things I know and things I’ve learned. I’m mentally [admittedly] lazy. Uncommitted.

And I’m not proud of that.

We all have dichotomies and mine involve polarizing wishes. As much as I have a *need* to socialize and a *need* to share my thoughts with other humans, I also wish to create small private universes, away from others’ judgment [without turning crazy]. I still have a Walden fantasy, I guess many of us do, and I still think about it nearly daily: Me Imperturbe. For awhile, its part of what I considered I’d do moving out to the Bay Area. I told people who loved me that I needed to be alone, for them to not expect anything from me. I wanted to be Bon Iver, Elizabeth Gilbert, Christopher McCandless, or like other, better unnamed people. Spending time on my own to discover something that changes me. Or improves me. Or finally gives me the breadth of experience to trust myself again.

I’d like to be brave again.  Write again and share things.  I put little processes in the way of accomplishing real goals and fortunately, one of my last bastion hold-outs has finally arrived: the parsons desk that I see everywhere in design blogs and magazines, that I chose to be my tiny room’s computer desk.  Now that The Desk has arrived, I’d like to build my space and commence, yet again, The Writing.   

Where to go??